The following is an excerpt from Open Table ...
Silhouettes of hands against a sunset background, showing hope and mutual support, by Shuang Paul Wang on iStockPhoto
‘This is my story’ is an occasional series of short devotions, based around the Bible, the experiences of Open Table members, reflection and prayer.This month we hear from OTN Co-Chair Sarah Hobbs, on what it means to be truly authentic with God.Reading:LISTEN to Sarah Hobbs reading this reflection on our podcast [4mins].
Is there anyone among you who, if your child asks for bread, will give a stone? Or if the child asks for a fish, will give a snake? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him!
Matthew 7:9-11 (NRSV)
Reflection:“It felt like I’d spent over 30 years asking God to give me the bread of freedom. But all that crying out got me was a stone of defeat.”I have always known that I was transgender. Outside the classroom of my Year 2 primary school teacher, it crystallised in my mind for the first time. But far from bringing me peace, it brought me fear.
I resolved to never reveal this secret to anyone else. I would keep it hidden in my own heart. But as well as being confusing, that started a pattern of internalised hatred and transphobia.
The only person I felt I could tell was God. I wasn’t a person of faith and my family didn’t go to church, but aged six, I began a nightly ritual that lasted for years. I would time myself for an hour when I got into bed. I prayed that I would wake up and that God would have fixed the problem, that I would have woken up with a new gender.
By 17, confusion completely reigned. God had not answered my fervent prayers and so my tactics changed. With tears and groans, I cried out to be healed. I confessed, I received prayer, I was counselled. I tried my hardest to stop being less than what I thought was the best God had for me. I sank into a cycle of shame where every time I let myself be myself, I was racked with guilt.
And then, aged 38, our magnificent, beautiful and loving God intervened. One piece of scripture - the one quoted above - changed everything. It felt like I’d spent over 30 years asking God to give me the bread of freedom. But all that crying out got me was a stone of defeat.
I realised that, either this Scripture isn’t true, and that when you ask, your Heavenly Father gives stones instead of bread, or that being transgender was bread and I was mistaking it for stone.
Maybe God does love me as I am! Since then, reading the Bible with that lens has led me to a hope and a euphoria greater than I could ever have possibly imagined.
Reflect for a moment:
What would it mean for you if you really believed that God gives good gifts to his children.
Imagine that one of those gifts is true authenticity. You are able to be completely yourself before God, with no judgement.
Think what a difference that could make to your life and your faith.
Prayer:Loving God,
today, let us see ourselves
through your eyes.
Help us to recognise
that you have plans to prosper us,
to give us hope and a future.
Grant that we may spend our lives
knowing that you
are our refuge and our strength.
Amen.
Sarah Hobbs is the Co-Chair of the Open Table network. She is also an ordinand, training within the Church of England.